# 45 "Happy Sad Diagnosis"

Happy Sad Diagnosis

My Medical Doctor diagnosed me with “Happy, Sad, Happy, Sad” or “Bipolar or Gay-Bear” Disease $245.

My Psychiatrist reveled she was happy to help me and saddened by my dilemma. Then while telling me “not to worry about it” she’s making an appointment to see my medical doctor $215.

My herpetologist calls it “Sad-isfaction” and recommends essential serpentine oils and ginger once a week $75. Ginger $220 an Hour.

My Chiro-Quactor said I slipped off the “Sad-dle” cracking my mental posture and all I need is a spineless adjustment to relax the tension and calm my nerves $165.

My astrologist a “Sad-jaterius” insists that I have no sign, my Orion’s belt is too tight, and I am experiencing the waxing and waning of earth’s wind and fire $85.

My psychic claims it’s an after-life sad spirit and insures me that I have a long life line, and plenty of time to figure it out. Her prediction was good luck in the near future and I would be elevated to “Happy-go-lucky” $95.

My spiritualist insists I am “Sad-distic” and the solution will be revealed through prayer, meditation and exorcism $65.

My “Alternative Medicine Man” usually pokes me in areas specific to my ailment but to my surprise he gave me a spanking. “Are you “Totally F in Sad” as in “Crazy” I screamed?” His reply “The best alternative I could come up with was Slap Happy.” $130.

My Guru suggested meditation to connect with my deep seeded problem and fasting for 30 days or at least until I excrete a sad-sack of shit. $155.

My Medical Doctor sent me a bill including the charge for the bounced check, and he upgraded my diagnoses to “Sad, Very Sad, Not Happy at All” or “Manic Depressive” Disease.

I would ask for more time to pay the bill but if he finds out where the money went, I’ll be upgraded to “Not Happy at All, and No Chance in Hell of Being Happy” or “Psycho Effective Disorder”.

My dietitian recommended pork roll, chops and spareribs for two days and to return on the third day. Upon my return she introduced me to her physical therapist and I was assisted into a spa. In response to my complaint about the odor the therapist replied “That’s my personal additive and in no time you will be” “Happy as a Pig in Shit” $210.

Finally I found Doctor Mueller who explained sad was often misdiagnosed for sorrow. He scheduled an MRI and upon my return he plucked a splinter from my buttocks and my sorry ass was cured. $1.

For everything else there is chapter 15 because my credit cards are now overdrawn.

Getting a laugh out of you guys, Priceless.

Jim Raab